I think I have cloned myself. Lately I am two very different people at work and at home and it's weird. I'm cracking jokes, throwing barbs, having fun, chilling with the co-op students and than I get home.

Bicker, bicker and silence. There's an emptiness in the basement yet there is no room to put it. So much should be said but nothing is. I sit in front of my computer screen all night because I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm going to delete all my online dating profiles. It's not meant for me and as much as my flesh wants attention, not getting it. I deserve better for myself than false hope.

I hate that I feel this way and even tonight I had to email a friend while they were at work 'cause I needed someone at that moment and couldn't go to my sister.

{"No one should be left out". Thanks Robbie Seay band, nicely timed :P}

I need to get out of my current "head space". I need to unload, reload and upgrade. (Okay, I seriously need to spend waaayy less time on my crappy a$$ comp). I need alone time with my Father. I want to hug Him instead of just tapping Him on the shoulder during those moments.

I have just spent the last 4 hours crying on and off. Random sobs. I have/had no plans tonight and I have the downstairs apartment to myself. I can't stop crying.

Maybe it's because I'm hurt. Maybe I'm grieving deaths. Death of a crush, death of things that have been and no longer will be? Change in relationships. The loneliness actually does exist. Not feeling wanted or appreciated for who I am. Being left out. Standing on the outside looking in wondering how I missed out when I was younger. I want to throw chickflicks out the window. I don't want to watch movie stars make out. I don't want to hear songs about what girl some guy wants to bang next.

Until now I've never understood what loneliness felt like. I get it now. Wow. I haven't felt this out of "whack" since my journey last year. I didn't realize how much the "want" of being "wanted" can be so hard to give up control on.



I reached out to a friend over msn and I'm doing much better now. Bring reminded that God loves me! I am beautiful! He is in control and not me. I need to take risks..

Read More 3 comments | Posted by Michelle | Links to this post |

You remember the feeling when you tried to swipe a cookie from the counter as your mom was baking and she would smack your hand away?

I had that feeling tonight while talking to a friend about a topic they were apparently sensitive about and I didn't realize it. I shouldn't feel bad because I had no idea but yet I still kick myself for bringing it up. I hate feeling stupid. Stupid makes me feel worse about myself and than I become afraid that said person will never talk to me again. Ludicrous isn't it? If I could learn how to stand my ground and not lack the "balls" to state my opinion without feeling like I need to apologize for having a thought that could be up for debate.

I am always so afraid of offending someone so bad that they'll never talk to me again. What, am I like 5? If someone stops being friends with me just for that? So not worth it.

I'll get over this - I just need to sleep on it, talk to said friend again and my conscience will feel better. (Stupid conscience, why do you have to be so guilty over such little things?)

I'm really struggling right now more than I'm willing to admit to except for a few. Work is great, church is good, my life is super busy and I love it!

BUT

There's always a but.

I'm hurting a bit right now for reasons I created in my own mind. One-way crushes are never healthy! Lesson learned for the zillionth time! But on top of that is the changes that have happened around me. It's not just envy. It's just change I didn't expect to happen even though I've prayed about it for so long. Disappointment that it isn't happening to me.

How selfish of me to forget who's hands my life are in! Who gave me my very life! I want something that apparently isn't meant for me right now. I gave up those rights.

"...for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
(Casting Crowns)

Some times I wonder if it'll ever be my turn. More than just the "curly haired, nice girl". These are the moments of my life that I don't like.

The fear of never being in love with someone.

I'm not a desperate and lonely single girl - I have a great life. I don't need someone to "complete" me. I just want someone to be attracted to me, who wants to get to know me, who wants to join me in my journey of life. I'm tired of one-sided crushes.

But maybe this isn't what God has in store for me right now. (Wise advice from a friend). And I just need to keep turning up these "moments" into His hands.

"God's will for you is that you know who you are, relax, and simply act like it in your daily routine." (Walking in the Will of God"by Steve McVey, pg 58)

That's a tall order when you are in the midst of chaos. But where I am on my journey now, I get it. I see the value in it and I'm actually experiencing it! Things are happening, I'm going out and enjoying life. Hanging out with friends, catching movies, enjoying the outdoors, rocking out at concerts, and in general just loving the moments as they come instead of clinging to what was and what could be.
"...and you should feel the sun in the spring

comin out after a rain

suddenly all is green

sunshine on everything

i can feel it now, i feel you now.."
("Stars" by David Crowder Band)

I am another turning point in my road of life.

I had the mole on my face removed yesterday. I was freaking nervous about it and now that it's over I'm better but still feel a little odd. Almost like I'm off balance. In a weird way I am losing a small part of my identity that I've had for so long.

Do I think getting rid of this mole will make me more attractive? That's pretty steep of an expectation on something actually quite small in the grand scheme of things.

And the healing process is going to take way longer than I realized. The "dressing" they put on my face I've already taken off. Now I have an ugly ass band-aid covering the wound which this will last for like 3 weeks. Just lovely! :P

When can I face the public again? Ha, ha. I already did right after the procedure which was terribly embarrassing. "Michelle! What's that on your....wait, nevermind". Thanks coop student for pointing out the obvious.